way back in december 2007, i told myself that this blog was meant to be encouraging, bringing light to peers around me through the gloomy days. too bad. today, i need to bitch, so damn badly. i don't even care if my bosses ever googles and found this page of mind bitching bout work, fucking them behind their backs, nonetheless, i don't think they bothers.
work had been tough and demanding, no doubts about it, but i just can't swallow the fact that i can't overcome it, or probably just being slow in doing so. its fucking terrible to feel like a liability at work, where decisions fly through the brains, thrown out of the mouths and sunken into ears of every others, except mine. yea, i'm lost, fucking lost at times, and i believe i'm not alone. i really hope that tian hao, fiona and gang don't get to read this post, cos i really have no intention to rub off my negativity to you people, but its real hard to stay happy and motivated all the time.
Boss wants A - my boss got direction
Boss wants A & B - he got expectations
Boss wants A, B & C - he's rather demanding ya?
Boss wants A, B, C & D - knn he's a tough nut
Boss wants everything - why don't you fucking do it yourself?
its all bullshit to me when you say, 'got any problems, highlight to us, we can help you.' similanjiao, yea yea, i need more prime movers, ratio 6 is not enough. and so when i ask for more, you say that 'we are running a business here, we gotta learn how to manage and optimise our resources... and bla bla...'. so just don't ask me if i got any problems when you got no intention to help. oh ya, don't bullshit me that 'you muz build a relationship with your operators, then they will work for you. if i were to comms them to get them to work, the cranes will fly.'. ya right, try doing so with ratio 6 and scattered yard. simple rule, you know it better than me, me prime movers, only bird can fly.
logic here...
i ask for extra prime movers = i don't know how to manage the resources.
you deploy extra prime movers = you got the POWER to make a change. ok lor.
you want box rates, ok, we try to find means to play with the resources, to create any ratio higher than 6. then you want prime mover productivity, claiming that we are using money to buy rates. fine lor, den have to work slower la but then you say cannot amend first sailing time, den we set a loose one to cover our ass, and you kp us for early completion, not optimising the berthing space. so now we crank up our brains, to play god, predicting as accurately as we can for the not early, not late sailing time, but risking poor estimation due to our inexperience. lan lan that day i just miss by 10 minutes, and now you don't allow any hold pilot. hello? i'm no 诸葛亮, can't predict weather one leh. cannot early complete, cannot late for even a single minute, at the same time, you want rates but you only let me have 80% of the resources, and ya, plus no accidents. ya, i got a confused and self-contradictory boss, who wants everything perfect, in an imperfect world. yep yep, welcome to the working world.
sometimes, i do know why eugene gets angry and starts raising his voice at me. if i'm him, dealing with myself, i'll probably had done so with a voice 10 times louder, by nature, i'm already 3 times louder. ya, tonnes of complains that i have, but i still gotta say, there are those who really can do it, which made me felt worst, that why am i still not doing it yet? me, always being a confident kid, can't believe, and rather surprise at my own incapabilities. what's wrong? i don't know, i thought that every shift, i tried what i could, but it seems that my efforts are never enough. i seriously hate it so think that i'm not good enough. 我可以倒下，但我死也不认输.
i want to live up to expectations, not yours or any others, but at least the one i set for myself. i always thought that i'm the pillar, for the rest to lean on when their tired, to draw strength from, when they need to fight a monster. i hate it when i can't do a fuck shit now. i know my peers are looking at me, 'if phua can do it, maybe we can too, some how, some time, in some ways'. but this time round, i'm really not confident of bringing you guys through the waves.
Gimme a night, i'll recover in no time.
work had been tough and demanding, no doubts about it, but i just can't swallow the fact that i can't overcome it, or probably just being slow in doing so. its fucking terrible to feel like a liability at work, where decisions fly through the brains, thrown out of the mouths and sunken into ears of every others, except mine. yea, i'm lost, fucking lost at times, and i believe i'm not alone. i really hope that tian hao, fiona and gang don't get to read this post, cos i really have no intention to rub off my negativity to you people, but its real hard to stay happy and motivated all the time.
Boss wants A - my boss got direction
Boss wants A & B - he got expectations
Boss wants A, B & C - he's rather demanding ya?
Boss wants A, B, C & D - knn he's a tough nut
Boss wants everything - why don't you fucking do it yourself?
its all bullshit to me when you say, 'got any problems, highlight to us, we can help you.' similanjiao, yea yea, i need more prime movers, ratio 6 is not enough. and so when i ask for more, you say that 'we are running a business here, we gotta learn how to manage and optimise our resources... and bla bla...'. so just don't ask me if i got any problems when you got no intention to help. oh ya, don't bullshit me that 'you muz build a relationship with your operators, then they will work for you. if i were to comms them to get them to work, the cranes will fly.'. ya right, try doing so with ratio 6 and scattered yard. simple rule, you know it better than me, me prime movers, only bird can fly.
logic here...
i ask for extra prime movers = i don't know how to manage the resources.
you deploy extra prime movers = you got the POWER to make a change. ok lor.
you want box rates, ok, we try to find means to play with the resources, to create any ratio higher than 6. then you want prime mover productivity, claiming that we are using money to buy rates. fine lor, den have to work slower la but then you say cannot amend first sailing time, den we set a loose one to cover our ass, and you kp us for early completion, not optimising the berthing space. so now we crank up our brains, to play god, predicting as accurately as we can for the not early, not late sailing time, but risking poor estimation due to our inexperience. lan lan that day i just miss by 10 minutes, and now you don't allow any hold pilot. hello? i'm no 诸葛亮, can't predict weather one leh. cannot early complete, cannot late for even a single minute, at the same time, you want rates but you only let me have 80% of the resources, and ya, plus no accidents. ya, i got a confused and self-contradictory boss, who wants everything perfect, in an imperfect world. yep yep, welcome to the working world.
sometimes, i do know why eugene gets angry and starts raising his voice at me. if i'm him, dealing with myself, i'll probably had done so with a voice 10 times louder, by nature, i'm already 3 times louder. ya, tonnes of complains that i have, but i still gotta say, there are those who really can do it, which made me felt worst, that why am i still not doing it yet? me, always being a confident kid, can't believe, and rather surprise at my own incapabilities. what's wrong? i don't know, i thought that every shift, i tried what i could, but it seems that my efforts are never enough. i seriously hate it so think that i'm not good enough. 我可以倒下，但我死也不认输.
i want to live up to expectations, not yours or any others, but at least the one i set for myself. i always thought that i'm the pillar, for the rest to lean on when their tired, to draw strength from, when they need to fight a monster. i hate it when i can't do a fuck shit now. i know my peers are looking at me, 'if phua can do it, maybe we can too, some how, some time, in some ways'. but this time round, i'm really not confident of bringing you guys through the waves.
Gimme a night, i'll recover in no time.
1 comment:
i had the same sentiment as u. it's just not worth it.
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